untitled…it just hurts

Undoubtedly, 2020 has been the most grueling and emotionally draining year of my life.

New York City was the world epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak in April. On the 14th of that month, my grandmother entered eternal life as a resident of Downtown Brooklyn Nursing & Rehabilitation Center where she lived for seven years with Alzheimer’s Disease. In recent years, inadequate staffing, poor communication and oversight, and lax standards of care were condoned by senior administration. Coronavirus exacerbated these conditions, which posed a major threat to the seniors’ quality-of-life.

My mother and I fought to see my grandmother when the facility suspended visitation for families. This was in adherence with New York State Department of Health guidelines. Thankfully, Mom and I were allowed to visit Gram for one hour on select days, but never at the same time. Under normal circumstances, we spent countless hours together at “the apartment” on a daily basis; loving and doting on her, completing vital tasks.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, the Senior Administrator revoked my visiting privilege with no forewarning. Two weeks passed before my grandmother transitioned and I did not visit her during that time. I could not hug her; help her with dinner; sing to her; or get her ready for bed.

Mom and I were deprived of the opportunity to comfort Gram during what I imagined to be a frightening time for her. I did not get the opportunity to tell Gram face-to-face how much I love her and selfishly wanted her to stay. I carry some guilt. It will probably stay with me for a while.

I can shamelessly say that my stress and sadness are intricately woven amid the coronavirus pandemic. Most days I’d rather stay asleep in bed, but I get up. I feel that I have to be strong for my mother. So [sometimes] I retreat to the basement and cry in the fetal position until I’m depleted of tears. [And trust, I’m not the crying type.]

Unfortunately, too many American families have experienced similar heartache. Our stories are unique, but our pain reverberates throughout the nation. And, Forty-Five - with his egotistical tendencies and xenophobic policies - failed [miserably] to protect us.

Trump contracted coronavirus and flaunted it around the White House like a badge of honor. This is the same virus that claimed the lives of at least 233,000 people in the United States since February, according to The Washington Post.

I was reminded of all this as I watched the 2020 election results on Tuesday night. The TV stayed on the entire night. I struggled to sleep [as I do most nights] fervently checking CNN’s electoral map. I failed to understand why it didn’t reflect a sea of blue.

“I think a lot of Democrats are hurt tonight,” said CNN political contributor Van Jones “there’s a moral victory and there’s a political victory.” Mr. Jones was 100 percent right. Not only was I hurt, but I felt betrayed [like the 2016 presidential election when white women failed Hilary Clinton].

I didn’t expect anything from Trump’s loyalists in the South. You know, the cult-like supporters who attended his superspreader events [I mean campaign rallies] mask-less. The people who are so morally inept that the economy takes precedence over the pandemic, healthcare, immigration, police brutality and racial inequality.

I did expect more from both Democrats and Republicans across the country. I hoped that people wouldn’t sit out of this election, or use the “I’m not voting for the lesser of two evils” argument, especially Black folk. We’ve already lost so much.

And, if people of color constitute the majority of populations in several states, I really don’t understand how Trump even has a leg to stand on!

My mother says the majority of America simply does not want to see a woman of color as Vice President. I have a hard time accepting that Trump’s re-election after the last four years of tomfoolery is hinged on Kamala Harris’ presence in the White House. [Who knows?]

“We wanted to see a repudiation for this direction of the country,” said Mr. Jones. “And the fact that it’s this close. It just hurts.”